So before you have kids you think you have a life. Well I realised that life only really begins when you’ve created it……
After a miscarriage in July 2005 I fell pregnant again pretty quickly. Some say too quickly others say its a good thing. I’m neither here nor there about it.
I worried, I think like most first pregnancies. I didn’t enjoy it. I did glow. I was huge! My body was changing. I had pain in my hips and back and neck and regularly saw an osteopath. I found it difficult to connect with this thing inside me, I hated it when it moved, I felt sick and hot all the time, I had indigestion at every bite of food, and waves of panic kept coming over me.
I remember one incident where I was chilling in bed after my husband went to work. I was watching my favourite programme, a birthing programme…. Why? I ask myself now. I was obsessed with watching them. But on this occasion as I sat watching it I remember very suddenly feeling sick, and dizzy and I couldn’t breath. I was so freaked out, not helped by the fact I have a phobia with vomit! I ran to the toilet, unable to breath. I phoned my mum and she came as quickly as she could and called an ambulance on the way. When they got there they did all the necessary tests, I had felt a little better with my mum there too. They said nothing was wrong but sent me to hospital as I was very pregnant, and the baby should be checked!
After the checks, I was told what I had had was a panic attack. Sadly, those stayed with me for a loooooong time, and only got worse after having baby No.1 (and baby No.2), and up until the last few years, until I was introduced to an Institute called The Human Givens. Here I downloaded a book about panic attacks and anxiety and what it was doing to my body, and also about how I could learn to control it, it was that moment in my life that I realised I had to take control of my thoughts and my emotions. And it was in fact, for whatever memories in my past, ME who was creating these panic attacks. I learnt to try keep them under control.
I was also diagnosed with Postnatal Depression when child one was 3 or 4 years old! I seriously thought it was normal to hate being a mum!!
I’m love to say I enjoyed being a mum, and I am not ashamed to say I actually found it to be the most difficult time in my life (when they were babies and toddler stage). I was exhausted, irritable, doubtful of my role, and my abilities, in pain somewhere all the time. It was hard work. I envied those woman those had jobs to go to. I searched for things to do other than be a mum. Nothing ever really gave me any satisfaction. With the diagnosis of PND and going on antidepressants I thought it would be a better experience…… it wasn’t!
When my boys were able to go to nursery, it was at that point I was able to try start my bodywork business up again. I had never let that go. Working evenings and weekends, it was my saviour, it allowed me to deal with someone else’s issues and not my own, and I made people feel fab! who wouldn’t want to do that!!!?
So despite the fact my life began once I created it…… It was here where my career allowed me to live….. (sorry kids!).