I’m gonna forward a few years, no need to go on about how much I disliked being a mum (because that isn’t the case anymore), you also can’t change the past, and no point going on about how I continually felt unwell….. well actually I am going to talk about that because that is a very important part of my story, and not dissimilar to many people who have been through Postnatal Depression and other ailments along the fibro journey ……. and how one gets an eventual diagnosis of fibromyalgia.
If there is one thing that my family know me for, its working my ass off at something and never earning any money from it. I’m not really about the money. I get immense pleasure from helping people. As the kids were both in school I was able to devote my time to building my Bodywork business. I did an amazing marketing course online (based in America), called Client Attraction, back in 2011, it was here I really got down to who I wanted to target as my clients, who were best suited to me and how I go about increasing my numbers. It was in fact the most valuable courses I have done to date and I wish I had known about it earlier in my career.
From there, as I said I managed to build up my lovely practice, with every client who came to see me being as unique, beautiful and needing me as their therapist. It was clarity as always that this was what I was needing to do at this point in my life.
Over time, I started to notice that even thought I loved what I was doing I was struggling to recover after each client. I never really felt any pain, nothing major, during a treatment, but it was after I couldn’t get comfortable in my body. The ache in my back was like flu, my hands were swollen and stiff, and I was struggling to even sit and do reflexology which you’d think would be less strain on the body because I was able to sit.
I put it down increased numbers to my practice, to just being tired, and having such a physical job. I not only gave people my physical energy but I was giving them my undivided attention, which is tiring for anyone.
So my husband used to say to me that it would be cheaper for the insurance company to pay for a divorce than pay for all the medical consults I had for maybe 8 years or so, although I can write it now, and it sounds cruel, he has in fact been a huge support for me through out. I should have had my own parking space with a plaque at the hospital, but you know what, I needed answers, I needed to know that it wasn’t normal to feel ill all the time. Other mums were happy, bouncy, joyful, loving life….. not me! I struggled to get up in the mornings, my head was foggy, my body ached, I had a permanent headache, no energy, aching joints. So my regular visit to the doctors for blood tests meant that at each visit I’d request to see another consultant privately. Maxilla-facial surgeons, neurologists, you name it I saw it!!!
But my blood results always came back clear – “normal” as they would say to me. My response was always, but it’s not normal to feel ill all the time, to which they would say, but you’re a mum, with young kids and its tiring and stressful. To which I’d cry and roll my eyes, and leave their office with no answers to my questions.
I carried on through life, as one does, being a mum, wife, bodyworker, giving myself to everyone. My energies by the end of the day meant I could barely move to take myself off to bed, and each morning I’d wake up feeling just as shit as the previous day….. I’d take the kids to school, with a sort of smile, and I tried my best to make everyone think I was doing OK. Clearly, I wasn’t I was a moody cow all the time! The drugs I had taken for the Postnatal Depression didn’t help, they made me feel really awful, numb, flat, lifeless. I came off them, it was hideous. I was put on nortripyline by the rude, arrogant and obnoxious maxilla-facial surgeon. (http://www.drugs.com/nortriptyline.html)
It was almost as bad as the antidepressant, but it did help reduce my continuous headaches and migraines.
At the beginning of 2013, I was starting to get very anxious about working on people, particularly in the evenings when I was already in immense pain from working and being mum during the day. It was a really difficult year, it was that year that I, for the first time in my 12 year career I was starting to question if this was something I could continue to do. It was a battle I didn’t think I would have to have with myself. A love and passion for my job, balancing home life and dealing with pain and fatigue was all getting too much for me. But, sadly, stopping for me was something I’d see as failure. I don’t think my family really knew exactly how much pain I was in, my moods were decreasing, my lethargy increasing, my anxiety and panic rising. But as I had been told many times by various medical professionals everything was “normal”!!
I thought I was going crazy with the pain all over my body. I would wake up thinking I was cured of whatever it was I hadn’t been diagnosed with as I felt normal for a bit, I’d get up, try my best, and boooom by mid afternoon I was lying down on my back before having to pick up my kids because I couldn’t cope with the pain, but I still have 7 hours to being mother and wife and therapist before I could go to bed! So I did what everyone would do…… push on through because I lived in hope that tomorrow would be a better day (and of course because I was told there was nothing wrong with me)……. I waited 3 weeks to see one particular doctor at my practice. He was the main man there. I took my husband with for support, and as we sat there and the doc said “but for the last 7 years her blood results have always come back normal”….. I burst into tears, with my husband fighting my corner he said “well maybe this isn’t normal for Simone, maybe you need to send her to someone else, can you refer us to a rheumatologist”. He did. And that is where my health story really starts for me………